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[Sunday November 13th, 2005 8:49pm] This is my farewell I am giving up livejournal and myspace because i dont like them anymore i am sorry for the people i dont see but i will leave this up for two days and if u want my number or anything leave me a message 1 have their gun to my headtell all your friends

[Friday November 11th, 2005 10:22am] Lord i really cant deal with losing this right now i hope you realize that i pray you do <3 tell all your friends

[Thursday November 10th, 2005 4:57am] i dont even get it. All id o is fucking bring pain or hurt people or i get hurt IM SICK OF IT i want to leave i just want to not have any feelings and fucking leave its not like he would care it would probably be more of a yes i didnt have to see her cry. AND He does it on a day that i freaking out how nice is that i am not going to school today i need to cry and shake this off UGH I JUST WANT HIM TO BREAK UP WITH ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell all your friends

[Thursday November 10th, 2005 4:53am] ok so he told me that he is probably going to break up with me WTF why not just do it now i kinda think it is because he doesnt want it to be rough at yl UGH this is the part i hate I HATE IT i want to go back to hte way i was not the way sean wanted me to be this sucvks im shaking like i used too and its terrible im crying UGH he thinks i beg him and the way i have been acting i have been because im not confident in our relationship and ya know what i was damn right UGH i let it go to long tell all your friends

[Wednesday November 9th, 2005 6:56am] i like the way i am right now and i dont think i need to change anymore. If he cant deal with that then he was never in love with me in the first place because i am back to the way i am i need God right now tell all your friends

[Tuesday November 1st, 2005 8:53pm] i hate this i cant trust myself and what i think i NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE who knows whats going on i need to distance myself till then becausei am insane tell all your friends

[Sunday October 30th, 2005 7:14am] i keep praying but its really hard. I dont want to break up i mean i want us to be like we used to be....happy with each other. I DONT CARE WHAT HE DOES and he doesnt get that he thinks ill get mad like im his mom or something. I DONT CARE. I love him and i think he loves me and that is enough. He doesnt trust me enough to tell me things and know that i wont get mad at him but at the same time people have emotions and at some point i will be upset and hes got to be able to handle himself at that time instead of using the "constricting" thing that he always uses. I set really high standards for him and i realized that with help of my friends and id ont do that anymore it isnt fair. I just want to know that he wants me to be apart of his life and he loves me and cares. thats the only thing i need. Like the little things he used to do like surprising me or doing something like that. I think something is bothering him and i dont know what it is. Maybe its me but i pray that it isnt. I am not Leah sean's gf i am leah and thats how i will always be. I need him to know that i am okay but i want him to know that i want him to be okay too and that i love him UGH i wish i could just print this out and give it to him it would be a lot easier. Also, He needs to know that this is a two way relationship and i cant do all the changing to make it better to make him happy. Hes got to be able to want to change too. We are both growing. I had to change a lot and i am doing it. all i ask him to do is show me that he loves me. Thats the only thing and show compassion and want to be around or talking to me. thats it nothing else. I DUNNO maybe ill just print this out and give it to him monday tell all your friends

[Friday October 28th, 2005 6:47am] so its back again that feeling of unsettledness with sean i neeed to talk to him and tell him that his side of the bargrain isnt working that he isnt trying to show me that he cares more and that nothing has happened and i didnt my side and i mean it helped a lot.... for what he wanted but i got to have my side too :-\ ugh i hate talking to him lately because allt hat ever happens is he gets really upset and it makes it seem like i am ruining his life. I AM NOT TRYING TOO IF I AM i just want to know that he cares is that a little too much to ask for? i dunno we will see how the night goes here is what is planned school work game movie hopefully tell all your friends

[Thursday October 27th, 2005 6:56am] yesterday was very busy i cant even explain it. just a lot of things going on and they are going to continue to go on but im excited im excited about life in general right now and im hoping that everyone else is too because it seems like its going good right nw i think something is up with sean but im not forsure yet so i am just going to keep trying to make him laugha nd make him happy maybe its the music thing and he just meeds a down day i dunno but that boy is fast going and i dont see a stop for a LONG time haha friends are good happy with where they are at <3 1 have their gun to my headtell all your friends

[Wednesday October 26th, 2005 6:41am] so here goes i am OCD very OCD not in the way most people think of OCD I am the one that obssesses about their life and tries to make everything perfect well guess what no one is perfect you have to be who you are and your not perfect. I am going to write in my journal and just write so dont take anything personally its me being stupid I feel like sean doesnt care about me anymore its more like im horny lets hang out and when he isnt we dont but i dont care i mean i am a good person he should feel like to have me and i should feel lucky to have him it shouldnt be one sided I am scared to tell gwen anything. the last few times i did it somehow got out and i feel bad. I know i should learn from mistakes its just hard because she is considered one of my best friends and its hard to not tell your best friend anything. I am scared about amy. People are starting to not like her because of spencer and i feel bad. I am having people talk tom e about her in math and its hard. I dunno i dont know if she is making the best of choices. and i am a little hurt that she isnt going to the concert with me and is giving the ticket to the person with the highest price :-\ which i know isnt gwen so i get to go alone i am scared about my knee appointment today. Its on the really bad knee and i am scared that is going to tell me i need surgery or something becuase thats what always happens. I am not going to be a wildlife leader because i cant take away the time if they want me to be a junior leader i am all for it but i dont have a day i can take out of my schedule besides monday. I LOVE DANCE like no other and it makes me as happy as basketball track and VOLLEYBALL did. I am going to start going to the gym and making myself feel happy starting monday morning i am going to go do spin i have an appointment monday at 4 with barbara. i am excited to see if all of these conclusions i have come to in my life are correct about me and if there is anything i can do about it *thoughts from last night* Now they are gone and i dont have to think about them anymore 1 have their gun to my headtell all your friends

[Friday October 14th, 2005 10:25am] new life saying "take a moment to dance a lone" tell all your friends

[Wednesday October 12th, 2005 5:25pm] all boils down to tonight tell all your friends

[Tuesday October 11th, 2005 2:01pm] i love how my BEST FRIEND cant be there for me when i am upset and dont want to talk about it i didnt even really tell SEAN i just didnt weant to talk about it and instead of being okay with it you got mad at me DITCHED me at lunch for someone you knew wold hurt me i hope your happy you made me go home early crying that really shows how you cared tell all your friends

[Tuesday October 11th, 2005 6:34am] its hopeless hopeless to even think that ANY of you would be there chivalry and decency is dead 4 have their gun to my headtell all your friends

[Friday October 7th, 2005 6:08pm] talked to him its all better HE DIDNT CRY i told him i was sick of him crying and that he needed to listen and figure out whther i was wrong a solution to the problem hehe <33 1 have their gun to my headtell all your friends

[Thursday October 6th, 2005 2:54pm] and can i please explain that in the beginning of our relationship he would read this because he knew i wrote in it but yet there has been no sign of reading maybe he just doesnt acre anymore tell all your friends

[Thursday October 6th, 2005 2:49pm] plain and simple life sucks i got yelled at by my teacher today for asking him to not move on and help me figure out what the fuck i was doing went to my LOVING boyfriend and there was no comfort there because he "doesnt know how" i can be there for him but the moment i tell him he hasnt been there for me its like he cant deal with it or anything because of his lifestyle it isnt him he says ugh tell all your friends

[Tuesday October 4th, 2005 9:15pm] ok so no biggy right ive never been taken to a dance by a guy before never in my whole life and i was really excited about homecoming but it turns out sean has a big gig and cant make it and then the next day is our anniversary and he cant make that either i love this boy a lot i am going to be okay with it i am going to be okay with this i am going to be okay with it tell all your friends

[Tuesday September 27th, 2005 6:38am] yesterday was amazing yl sean gwen school blah haha alrite i love my life right now it is so amazing i never knew ignoring would be so much fun and realizing you dont need someone like her oct gwens bday Nov- sean and amys bday hopefully SAT Dec- ACT and my bday and christmas 1 have their gun to my headtell all your friends

[Monday September 19th, 2005 5:33pm] im done with drama! im done with life 1 have their gun to my headtell all your friends

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